Duke Misplaces Entire Basketball Team, Masked Replacements Fall To Virginia, 73-68

Duke (24-4, 11-4) turns in the ugliest of performances against Virginia (20-8, 10-5), losing to Cavaliers, 73-68, despite 28 from Seth Curry and 22 from Quinn Cook.

February 28, 2013; Charlottesville, VA USA; Duke Blue Devils players watch from the bench against the Virginia Cavaliers in the second half at John Paul Jones Arena. The Cavaliers won 73-68. Mandatory Credit: Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

It must have been pretty embarrassing when Coach K and his staff walked into the locker room and realized that they had left their entire basketball team back in Durham. It must have been even more embarrassing when he and his coaching staff walked up and down the streets of Charlottesville, asking people off the street if they wanted to be on the Duke basketball team for a day.

In fact, the only positive moment to come out of the pregame was when Seth Curry and Quinn Cook trotted onto the gym just before tip-off, shouting something about doing a Ferris Bueller-esque race to the game once they realized they had been left behind. Unfortunately, this would be the highlight of Duke’s day.

The man they plucked off the street to replace Rasheed Sulaimon was a Kobe Bryant fan and impersonator, evidenced by his constant heckling of the ref throughout the game followed by an inevitable technical foul. The man they chose to replace Mason Plumlee turned to out to be Mason’s evil, far less-talented twin brother, Jason Plumlee, who appeared to be on the wrong end of the effects of an energy drink. The guy who they found to replace Josh Hairston sort of just ran around like a chicken with his head cut off; no one noticed that this wasn’t the real Josh Hairston. The person they found to substitute Tyler Thornton was actually a star athlete from a nearby roller derby league, but he fouled out after what felt like five minutes.

Given the circumstances, the Blue Devils shooting 39.6% from the field and 32% from beyond the arc doesn’t sound too bad! The total domination by Joe Harris, who scored 36 points, and Akil Mitchell, who scored 19 points and collected 12 rebounds, is actually pretty darn understandable! Duke only had 35 points at the 8:15 mark in the second half? Psh, you try and go step on a court with D-1 basketball players!

You know, I am willing to bet that if Duke hadn’t misplaced all their guys, they would have had a serious shot at winning it!

I did, in fact, think all of those positive thoughts. That is, until M. Night Shyamalan stood up at the end of the game and revealed that it had actually been the real Duke players the whole time. That was the real Mason Plumlee getting dominated on both ends of the court all night. That was the real Josh Hairston who achieved 0 points, 0 rebounds, 0 assists, 0 blocks, 1 turnover, and 4 personal fouls in 15 minutes of play. And that was the real Rasheed Sulaimon who was mouthing off about the refs like they had put Sulaimon in their own personal burn book, inspired by Mean Girls.

M. Night Shyamalan bowed, but nobody clapped. Even the Virginia fans, who had just watched their team defeat Duke and were probably willing to cheer on anything, didn’t cheer for Shyamalan. You hear that, M. Night? No one likes you and your absurd plot twists. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH RYAN KELLY, SHYAMALAN!?!

*Knocks over table and begins crying*